The Psychotherapy Room
Counselling and Psychotherapy

BABY ISSUES & PSYCHOTHERAPY - Article by Sabi Proctor MA Dip Psych

All women are united by one common biological fact which separates us from men – that we can have babies. Whether we choose to have children, choose not to have them or just don’t have them for some reason, a women rarely escapes the psychological consequences of this fact. It can be hard for a woman to navigate her own very personal journey through the minefield around baby-issues. She might come to therapy following experiencing any of the following; relationship difficulties, infertility, miscarriage, the ‘baby blues’, difficulty in juggling having it all or in order to re-discover her identity apart from her role as a mother.
Relationship difficulties: can arise for women around the baby issue in many ways. Perhaps you are single and still searching for the right person to have children with or if you are in a relationship one of you may want a baby more than the other, typically, although not always it is the women who fears her biological clock is ticking who becomes fearful of never achieving motherhood, while the man stands on the fence regarding commitment. Your relationship can also come under strain due to the pressure to conceive, infertility, miscarriage or post-natal depression. Whatever your situation unfortunately men and women can find themselves on very separate pages and with such separate experiences that it can be very isolating. A therapist can help by being a neutral/without agenda person that that can offer a safe place to explore any relationship difficulties.
Infertility: can create an enormous amount of stress in a couple or individuals life. Sometimes it is not clear cut, and a couple or individual can be left wondering if they can conceive or not. Questions like should I consider IVF or adoption or can I contemplate life without children arise. It can also be very distressing and emotional to discuss issues around infertility within relationships. Then if you do go down the path of IVF it is very expensive and physically difficult to undergo prolonged IVF procedures. Therapy can help clients to move through the process of exploring their choices and help relieve stress around them.
Miscarriage: can be a very lonely and frightening experience. You may be left wondering if it was something you did wrong or life that was previously filled with the hope and excitement of a new baby can now feel pointless. It can take months and even years to recover from a miscarriage, and this can be hard in a society where you are expected to get on with it after a short break. With the increase in maternal age the probability of experiencing miscarriage for women is on the increase. Therapy can give women a place to grieve for their loss, while being able to explore and re-evaluate how to move forward in life.

The ‘baby blues’: 8 out of 10 women will experience the ‘baby blues’. 1 out of 10 will experience postnatal depression. This may occur straight after giving birth or up to a couple of years later. It can be very distressing to feel unable to cope especially at a time which should be viewed as a happy one. Psychotherapy can help with stress, anxiety and symptoms of depression such as guilt, loss of interest, and inability to sleep. Having a new baby can be a very challenging time, it affects relationship dynamics, career and can leave women trying to achieve the modern day concept of ‘having it all’ feeling lost, confused and vulnerable. While you are looking after a baby or small child or children it can be very hard to find time for yourself, psychotherapy can be this time and place. However, more severe postnatal depression may require the use of anti-depressants and seeing a medical specialist.
Psychotherapy focuses heavily on attachment theories with the therapist in the role of ‘good enough mother’ to their client. Whether the client can manifest their own ability to be ‘good enough mother’ to their own inner child, their own children or through their ability to realise their true potential – biology, babies and psychological consequences can rarely be avoided by therapists or clients.